WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BE OPEN?

By C.J. Lopez

I remember a time when someone asked me how genuine I am as a person. I was very hesitant to answer that question. I know I am not genuine all the time; I am not even real about myself. What left me thinking is why did she ask me that? I don’t want people to see the worst of me, I always want them to have a good impression, but at least that time I was a little bit honest. I told her, “Nobody’s perfect person and we faked ourselves sometimes, right?” she answered, “Yes!” then my response after is “So you cannot expect me to be genuine at all times and what I can assure you is that I am not always the person that you’ll see and you think you know.” The conversation went on but nothing changed about my personality. I had never been open to anyone, not even to my family and friends. I don’t know why I am like this and why it is so hard for me trust people a hundred percent. I have never submitted myself to anyone. I don’t even have a best friend. The thought that someone knows a lot about me already scares me. Why? People might use your weakness against you and they might intentionally or unintentionally hurt you.

Why is it so hard to be open? How can I undress myself without being judged?

A lot of people might agree that indeed it is not easy. We live in a society where everyone has a say about every little thing we do. It is now acceptable that we cannot really be a hundred percent open. We are living on the same time where people are very sensitive as well. With this status quo, how brave can people be to reveal everything to the world? Not everyone in your life will forever be there for you. People leave and change. We cannot neglect that there might be a single thought that will enter our mind regarding the possibility that we are being ripped off by them without us knowing. A possibility that you might be a main character on their narrative shared to others.

These days, I’ve realized that I can’t hide all the time. I cannot let myself secluded somewhere alone and has no one to talk to and ask for a comfort. I am aware that one of the reasons why I am not being open is because I want to look tough. Being weak is letting yourself vulnerable of getting hurt. That’s what I was thinking then. In this contemporary world, we need to embrace the reality that we cannot portray a role of someone who’s brave all the time. It’s not bad to be yourself and don’t let these societal prejudices make you uncomfortable of moving. You are free! And by having this freedom doesn’t automatically give you the license of doing all the stupid things that you like. No, that is not what I meant of exercising your freedom to express yourself. We should not forget our moral foundation.  As long as you don’t step on someone and won’t get yourself hurt, then I think it is fine for you to continue. You should always be careful of your words and actions. The world isn’t revolving just for you. You are afraid of opening yourself because you are thinking that others might hurt you and this also applies to them; they might be thinking the same.

Find people who will accept you. Those people who will respect your ideals and will help you to be a better person day by day are worth keeping. I know it’s hard to find someone whom you can really rely on and trust but remember that it’s nice to have this someone who you can share your stories, the good and the bad times. Trusting people is very hard; it’s proven and there are a lot of stories written in our history that can justify that. But do not be afraid to appear weak sometimes. All of us are fragile. There’s always a soft spot in us. Opening yourself to someone will ease the inner burden that you have been carrying all the time.  The case here is you need to choose wisely. Do not be afraid to share your story to the right people. If they are concern about you, they’ll give advice. If they find you in pain, they’ll comfort you. If they love you, they will stay whichever side of life you are.

HERE’S TO THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE

By C.J. Lopez

If ever you’re reading this expecting that I will be sharing some typical inspirational narrative, then sorry to burst your bubble because I’M NOT – YET. Hey! I don’t know if I caught your attention and will be driven to read this; but I’m asking you to spare me some time to know my story. Please. Let’s first talk about family. I know you’re aware that the word “family” in Filipino context, aside from it is the center of the societal structure; it is also where each members of the family gets their strength and stability. Families support and create bonds which are genuinely Filipino and not to mention as well that in our culture, nuclear family set up is common. We extend this support system not just with our circles by blood but even to those in honorary relations.

What’s with family by the way? In immediate family, there are parents that we can call mom and dad, mama and papa, nanay and tatay, if we talk about biological parents. Names vary from different places because of the difference in language. Regardless of how you’re calling them, both have the same big weight to carry of raising a child. What are those? These include the duty of providing them their basic human needs and molding them to be a good person and a citizen of this country, and many more responsibilities. Aside from our parents, we have other members of our family such as our grandparents, siblings, cousins, to aunts and uncles that we expect to give us the essence of family.  Family is such a wonderful treasure anyone can have. We can never question why movies such as Coco, Three Sisters and a Wedding, The Goonies and a lot more were such hits.

Enough with the not-so-cheesy introduction and let me just ask you a question. Do you have a mother? I mean I know we all came from our mother’s womb but I’m asking if you have a mother in your family. According to Oxford Dictionary, a mother can be a noun and a verb. Mother (noun), is a woman in relation to her child or children.  Mother (verb), bring up a child or children with care and affection. Among the two of course we all have the noun. But the question is do we all have the verb? Are you raised by someone who taught you from the fundamental life skills to the morals that she will try to impart? Were you given the unconditional love a mother can offer? Is your answer yes? If it is, be thankful.   Be thankful for you are privileged to experience such love. A lot grew up without experiencing how it feels to be taken care and be special that every single child deserves, including me. 

I grew up knowing the reality that I have both parents alive. The problem is I don’t know who my father is and my mother is married to another man leaving me in the foster of my grandparents. As a child, growing up without these persons who are supposed to raise and guide you in life is very difficult. Why? Let me state these reasons. First, I felt jealous whenever I see my friends or classmates with their parents. Seeing the happiness in their eyes makes me feel that there is something missing in me and I already know what it is. Second, just like any child, I needed affection coming from my parents but faced the reality that it would be hard to find. Third reason is that I struggled in academics; I have no parents to go to school and meet my teachers or ask if what is going with me. I can even remember that I completed high school without any single attendance of my parents or guardians in homeroom meetings. In high school I was sent twice to the guidance office for bad behaviors and my teacher can no longer hold her understanding to my excuses that I have no someone to call in order to check me in school. That’s when she went to my aunt’s house where I stayed. She knew and I think understood my behavior back then. What do you expect to a person who grew up without the supervision of his parents? Lastly, I don’t know my identity that it feels like I’m a living puzzle game that needs to be fixed. I hate it when teachers have this “family tree” activity. I hate it because I have no idea what to put in my father’s side. I grew up to the parents of my mother. My family is very dysfunctional. My mother is not in good terms with my grandparents. Her second partner died and few years after decided to settle for another guy.

At a young age, I already accepted that I was not blessed to have this valuable possession of having a normal family. I faced the reality that nothing’s going to change and I will just live to it. My grandparents played a vital role to molding who I am today. They were the ones attended my graduation ceremonies. They were there when I experience a lot of physical changes in my adolescence. They were there when I had my first alcohol.  They were there to a lot of my first times. Both my Lolo and Lola gave their best to make me feel complete and act as my parents. I lost my Lolo in 2014 and he died beside me while I was patting his head to make him feel calm. That was when he has very sick already that I have to sacrifice my studies in MSU Main Campus and transfer to a state college in Surigao. Now I am left with my Lola, she is a tough woman. I can always tell that even before. She is very fierce, tough and breaks gender barriers. My Lola is a very hardworking person. I think she is the most hardworking one that I know. She may be tough-looking but she is a soft lady inside. I am always there when she’s weak and vulnerable. She worked hard to be a person who will support my goals in life. My grandmother has big dreams for me. She worked in restaurants as cook to selling vegetables in the market. I have a lot of needs during my college years and she never failed to give those to me. I love hearing her stories. Just like me, she didn’t have a complete normal family. Her parents were separated and she lived in her aunt who had supported her when her drunkard father can’t. Because she doesn’t have a financially stable family, she wasn’t able to go to college not even finished her high school. She walked the different paths of life knowing that she will be more unfortunate if she will not work hard to live. My Lolo committed a mistake to their marriage before. He had many women when working in sales job and travelled a lot to different places. It came to the point that he had impregnated this woman. My Lola found out the misdoings of her husband and was devastated. She felt that life is really hard to her. There’s this story of how she lost her second child who is just four years old when that happened. She was in the hospital alone because my Lolo is on travel with his work. When their child died, she was there with no one to grieve with. What happened next is that she carried the dead body of the child, covered it with blanket and travelled kilometers to reach home. She was crying when she narrated that story and I felt how miserable that experience was. She is a loving mother; they raised her children and let them able to finish a degree.  It was just all of their children wasn’t able to practiced their chosen career and decided to take another path. I know my Lola had frustrations with them. I can feel it the way how she deeply encouraged me to work hard, graduate and work with what I desire to do and help the family. Now, it’s been a year since I finished college. I work now as a lecturer at the same school where I graduated and trying my best to give back to her because she deserves so much love and everything.

To the woman who’s giving me the light that I needed when my world is gloomy and darkness is tempting, I love you. I love you enough that I promise to provide you what you deserve. You have been working hard to give the family with bountiful blessings. You were there when I almost gave up. You are an inspiration and a woman of hope. You are the light of the family. I offer my success to you and will look up to you because you are my hero. You saved me from the depths of despair. You guided and showed me the right way when I got lost and walked crooked. To my extraordinary Mama, I am writing this to let history know how amazing you are, Lola Jenita Dumay Lopez, thank you. 

Paranoid

I went and arrived at the scene
Hoped I've missed what I've seen.
Forget all the stars, welcomed the scars
For every memories aren't worthy.
Told you what's real over the deal
Was it you? It's you! Maybe it's not you
Maybe I'm  just sick and tired
Maybe I'm  just a paranoid.
What matters doesn't really matter
I know what you are thinking
I know why you are acting
I know it's over.

Rumination of a Man who works behind

I was never been burned,
not until I play fire.
Now see how it turned,
when I become a liar.

I jumped in to see a glimpse
of what is happiness inside.
But now it doesn’t make sense,
there’s nothing more to hide.

I was not ready for this;
to face the reality of me.
Struggling to find what I miss
and see how change can be.

I was naked facing the daylight.
I was free to go at sunset.
Then if I already know what is right,
Why did I go for a bet?

Featured Image:
French ‘Portrait of a Man (Victor Considérant?)’, after 1830 
Oil on canvas, 28.5 x 22 cm
NG3686

To You Who Killed Me

By CJ Lopez

Midnight memories are haunting me
No more sunshines to feel the day
For no more day, or days.
I already forgotten to live
No, you killed me
For love is my strength and lies are your weapon.
From the start you are killing me
Time to time; slowly by slowly.
The times treasured are now nightmares of the past.
The more thoughts to think, the more it kills.
Now you are freely living your life
Leaving me here with no life.
You have killed me
I hope you’re happy.

InBeatWIN: People of War by CJ Lopez (Bronze Medalist EMC Essay Writing Contest)

This is my entry to the 11th Founding Anniversary of Eastern Mindanao Command (Armed Forces of the Philippines) Essay Writing contest Category B open to all Youth aged 15 to 30. This creative non-fiction essay won 3rd place with a score of 96% judged by EMC heads and Mindanaon Davao-based writers/columnist.

–

It’s been an hour but I still can’t think of the best introduction to this essay. The goal is to make whoever reads this one feel the emotion and message that I want to impart. My mind is definitely in war; the thoughts are in chaos. One thing is for sure, I am neither reluctant nor afraid of expressing myself. War?, I have plenty to say about it. We always have that in our house. Change and development?, I always try to craft a better version of me from time to time. I have spoken to people about my advocacies; I’m a youth development advocate. I’m a person who targets the heart when he talks or persuades someone, a romanticist. Wait, I just realized, I’m taking this personal already. Okay, shall I begin? Of course yes.

Hell is what it feels like to be inside a battlefield. An adamant fact is that the world itself is a battleground and life and honor is what we protect and fight for, it may be ours or for the sake of what we believe and the people we value. I’ve watched one mind-opening movie entitled Hacksaw Ridge, a 2016 biographical war drama focuses on the World War II experiences of Desmond Doss. It triggered my thought about how agonizing it is to be in a war. Desmond is a Seventh Day Adventist and he pledged to never fire a gun in war that makes it difficult and different for how peculiar it is to face a battle weaponless. It is equal as saying that you want to die. Jump off to the ending, sorry for spoiling, he survived and saved a lot of lives. The film left me aversion of violence and chaos.

Our soldiers are offering their lives to protect our motherland. I can still recall myself as a child that I once dreamt of becoming a soldier. My friends would probably laugh at this. I cannot blame them for today, I’m 20, stiff and enervated. I lost it, gave up of that dream but never the way how I look up to our cavalrymen. The place where I live at is near the 30^th Infantry Battalion, 4^th Infantry Division of the Philippine Army. It’s like I’m basically living together with them. I meet the armies in or out of their uniforms, see their smiles and positive outlook of life. But I am aware that those faces aren’t hiding the reality that they are people ready to die. Anytime a call for sacrifice will invite them to be in catastrophe. This havoc will test their ability to fight death, living their families the uncertainty of seeing them again alive.

The recent Marawi siege is a clear example of how we can delineate war as Gehenna. It’s the people inside the perimeter of bullet exchanges that feels the agony. As simply as we already can see ourselves in their situation; the personal stories of the people affected by the conflict melts our heart. Days of intense skirmishes, of fear and death, still in hope to achieve the unattainable peace. The people behind the attacks may have their reasons for fighting but these things aren’t eradicating the truth of selfishness. Selfish for it is not a fight for glory that really matters, this is TERRORISM. A lot are directly affected in this attack. Selfish for most of the pledged terrorist are from Marawi itself; born, educated, and grow up there. These people are removing any conscience that will block their detestable endeavor. Innocent lives are being killed; lives being sacrificed. The Philippine Army is trying it’s best to get back our land from this national traitors. We honor them that they’re living as to what we sing from our national anthem, “…ang mamatay ng dahil sa’yo”.  Nationalism is what we can learn from them, it is not just because it’s their duty. They entered the military with the choice of risking their precious lives.

In this tragic spectacle of the Philippines, it is sad that this kind of scene is becoming normal. The world faces multifaceted discords and some leads to violence and war. If we try to ponder the different sides of these battles, it will never be possible to think about progress and development. A world where places and the people should live harmoniously is not achievable considering the effects of whatever the cause of such desolate event. Anywhere in the Philippines can be the next Marawi. Internal conflicts in each locality must be addressed and resolved before it becomes a national issue. The government, authorities, and the people should be congruous. Our Army will be our partners to achieve the accord. National policies should be respected and each individual should be aware and reminded of their self and social responsibilities as a citizen of this country. Peace process between the government and rebels is being pushed through. Seeing NPA rebels surrender their weapons to the government is a sign that the efforts of our government and the AFP is working. The AFP leads the campaigns against extremism and other possible violent insurgency that not only the national aspect of security is affected but also the humanity as a whole.

I am still seeing a progressive Mindanao in the future. I won’t lose my hope to the place that molded me. One day, if not tomorrow, next month or the few years to come but slowly, progress and development will be reached. Our soldiers will no longer offer their lives to grim reaper. Civilians will live peacefully without the fear of any trouble that might welcome them anytime. Our native land will be in tranquility as it soars high and grow to become a progressive nation. In between the war is disorder and graves. I pray for all of this to stop.

I will end this essay with an untitled poem that I personally made to honor the men who are sacrificing their lives to our beloved country. May they be protected by the grace of God and our nation.

Today as I walked through the street of Rizal
I saw a man in his camouflage
As I come closer to him
I noticed his eyes so dim
Little do I know his story
His name and where he come from
What I know is his future
An uncertain one
He might be lucky as of today
But what I don’t know if he’ll still be.
So I gave him my best smile,
He smiled back brightly
I jokingly offered a salute
He laughed and returned the gesture
I thought,
This man has pledged his life
For me, my family and friends
I thought,
This man has pledged his life
For his wife, his children
I thought,
This man has pledged his life
For the nation’s victory and glory.

– End –

Featured Photo from PhilStar, Unicef: 50,000 kids affected by Marawi siege

http://www.philstar.com/headlines/2017/06/01/1705639/unicef-50000-kids-affected-marawi-siege

 

Unasked Late Night Thoughts

by CJ Lopez

 

Midnight's passed and he's still awake
The tempting hours is testing
Hey! What keeps the soul burning?
Is it the mysteries of the late night ?
Maybe just a late late show in his little way
But do you mind what's with others mind?
Unfocused and enjoying the devils night
Is she right? 
She's paranoid, jealous 
And deep inside is asking
A lot of questions haunting
Would she trust someone who stays awake at night? 

 

Image:  Carlos Martz / Flickr

Mary

by CJ Lopez

 

Days passed and she is still
A woman in darkness nowhere to be found
The burning soul screams
For lust and admiration.

She is lost, 
In this world of choices
She chose to be lost
I can't tell.

Never been different from all
A universe in an obsolete galaxy
Waiting for the mysteries to be unfold
But she's still there waiting to be called.

i

by CJ Lopez

It is anguish inside the moment I saw it
A bad taste in one's mouth thinking about what caused this
Too much for an overflowing river in an unwanted rainy season
A late bloomer of consciousness, where is it when I need it?
It's too late now
I've decided my fate
I lost it
The battle of hearts
Unequipped, unprepared
Who has to blame?

moonday

by CJ Lopez

Let's all take time to appreciate the moon.
Today's Monday and the universe is sparkling above us.
Only few are lucky to have been blessed with the scene.
A magnificent look of what life is.
This life is our galaxy.
Some shines like a star,
A planet of possibilities maybe.
Some are just like the moon,
Who can't illuminate by himself.
Who can't bring light as always to many.
But what makes it special,
Is its wonders and mysteries.